Building Independence in Children

There are three areas for thinking about building independence: chances, chores, and choices.
Give them as many chances as you can to try doing things for themselves. Think about chores they can do – taking on responsibilities builds their sense of being competent, capable and important contributors to the family. Then let’s practice independent decision making by allowing them to make more of their own choices.

Chances to “Do it Myself”

Increase Accessibility

To build independence, think about how to make tasks more accessible for them. If you want them to get themselves dressed, choose clothes and shoes that are easy to get on and off. If you want them to help with cleaning, keep some cleaning supplies in their reach and store toys in containers they can open and close. If you’re nursing a baby, have a water bottle and snacks where your older child can reach them so they can help themselves if needed.

Teach Skills

Take the time to intentionally teach and practice skills, like putting on a coat or gloves or opening a cheese stick. For the first ten times, it takes a long time and is frustrating, but then your child will know how to do it themselves. Think how much time you save in the long run! (For lots of these things, search online for “hacks” for how to teach.)

Create Systems

Create systems that they can understand. Like having one container for all the toy animals and one for all the toy cars, with picture labels on them to help them remember. Or having a library basket so if they find a library book anywhere else in the house, they always know where to return it to – and when they want a book, they always know where to find one! Or writing a visual schedule of the bedtime routine with four pictures showing the four steps.

Accept the Mess

When your children “help out,” it takes longer, and it’s messy and it’s inconvenient. It’s hard to be patient, and easier to do it yourself. But, if we want to raise independent children, we have to give them chances at independence, and accept the imperfections of the learning process.

Chores – Responsibility and Teamwork

If you have a very young child, you may have never even considered chores. You may not have viewed them as being capable of contributing. But even a one year old can help with household tasks: “can you put this sock in the laundry bin?”, “can you carry this for me?”, “put the toys in the basket.” Children love to help out – doing tasks helps them feel competent and important.

Search online for “age appropriate chores” and you’ll find several charts with suggestions. Or ask other parents for ideas of tasks that you could try having your child help out with. For example, a 2 year old could help wipe up messes, a 5 year old could match socks, and a 7 year old could water plants – though you’ll need to have a system to help them remember.

Your child will not be as good at doing things as you are…. If your three year old makes the bed, it’s not going to have perfect corners! If they feed the dog, they may spill kibbles on the floor. Your 5 year old won’t load the dishwasher perfectly – but they can at least put a cup and spoon in there that you can finesse later. Experiment with options, trying several out to see where they can be successful and which chores make sense to assign on a long term basis.

You can ask your child for input on what jobs they would LIKE to do or what would help motivate them. A kid who hates folding laundry might be more willing to do it if you watch movies together as you fold. A kid who likes feeling strong might like the heavy work – carrying baskets of laundry, putting out the trash, shoveling snow, bringing the groceries in from the car…  Some teenagers might prefer doing the grocery shopping to cleaning the house.

Chores: The Teamwork Approach

Often chores are approached in an if/then punitive way where the parent is in control: “If you don’t put your laundry away then you can’t play your game.” This often leads to battles of wills.

The teamwork approach is: “What do WE need to do so that our home life functions well for all of us? Here are things I can help with – what can you help with?” And then on chore days you can use the when/then approach “we as a family all have chores today – but when we get all our work done, then we get to celebrate a job well done by having fun together!”

Choices

As they do more things independently, they’ll make more choices. If they’re getting themselves dressed, they choose their clothes. If they’re packing lunches, they choose what food to pack. If they’re responsible for homework, they decide whether to do math or English first.

It’s important to note that the parent still defines what are acceptable options to choose from! For example: you could tell a two year old: “it’s cold today, so you need to wear a warm shirt – do you want this blue one or the red one?” Or tell a three year old: “There are three things you need to do to get ready for preschool – which one do you want to do first?” A rule of thumb is for a two year old offer two options. A three year old gets three options. An eight year old has a lot of options, with clear criteria set by you. For example, an eight year old packing their lunch might be told they have to have at least one protein, at least one fruit, and one starch. (And you’ve taught them what this means and set up systems that make it easy for them to do this.)

We can also offer choices in other areas to practice decision making. For example, they can have some “free choice” time in their daily schedule where they get to decide what they do and you’ll play along. Older children can decide what extracurriculars or camps they do.

Some parents give a young child allowance that they can choose what to spend it on. As the child gets older, they get more allowance, but it’s split into three pools: spending, saving and sharing. They can use spending money on anything anytime. They have to declare in advance something that they are saving toward and can purchase it when they have enough. And sharing money can be for gifts or for charitable donations they choose.

Sometimes children will make poor choices. If they choose not to wear a coat on a cold/wet day, it’s a learning experience! (Now, I won’t do this on a day my child is going to preschool and the teachers would have to deal with the unhappy child that results… but I would do it on a day I was just taking my child for a short trip to the park.)

It’s important to let them do so and to experience the consequences in a low stakes environment so they can learn from their mistakes and make better choices in the future.

Image credit: http://wesandrachel.blogspot.com/2010/08/tot-school-catching-up.html, marked as Creative Commons

Introducing a Sensory Bin

Maybe your child has tried out a sensory bin or a water table at a children’s museum, daycare, or a class, or maybe you’ve stumbled across sensory play ideas on Pinterest or Instagram or a Flisat table group on Facebook, and you want to try it out, but aren’t sure how to get started? Here’s a beginner’s guide.

Sensory play has a few basic components:

• a bin – don’t feel like you have to start by buying a fancy table – it’s OK to start with water play in the sink or use a cake pan or a plastic storage tub
• things to scoop and pour with – spoons and measuring cups work great, and tongs to pick up larger items
• smaller containers to put in the bin – plastic cups and “tupperware” containers are good
• a sensory material – I would start with something that’s really easy to pick up: balls made of crumpled paper, pompoms or cotton balls, pasta (bowtie or rotini work well); rice is always a good option, but expect that it will get spilled across the floor!

That’s all you really need to start with. Don’t feel like you have to create amazing Instagram-worthy wonders. Start simple! (For this post, I purposely picked photos of some really basic set-ups so you see how easy it is – like this one with pompoms, metal treasure box and some plastic animals.)

The first several times your child plays with it, sit alongside them, teaching them how to do sensory play – eventually this will be great independent play, but first they need you to teach them.

What do you do? It’s super simple – you scoop, you pour. You fill the container. You dump it out. You pick up a handful of rice and let it sift through your fingers. You stir. It’s OK if your child repeats the same actions hundreds of times. Sensory play is all about repetition. It can be a very soothing play activity while they’re also learning a lot about how to use their body and how to use tools to move things around. (Keys to brain development are: novelty, repetition, and down-time and sensory bins can bring all this.)

If you feel like you’re ready to liven it up a bit, the easiest way to add novelty is to take some of your children’s toys they already love and add them in so they can explore them in this new setting. (Filling a toy dump truck with rice, pouring rice over plastic animals, or hiding and finding puzzle pieces to assemble a puzzle with.)

Let them play as long as they want, and move on when they’re ready. They’ll come back to it again later. If they spilled materials on the floor, ask them to help with clean-up, even if they only clean up a few items, it’s a good practice to begin.

That’s it. That’s the basics.

Learn More

I’ve got lots more ideas on this blog which focuses on parenting skills, and my other blog Inventors of Tomorrow, which focuses on STEM learning.

• This post is called Reducing Sensory Bin Mess, but it also talks a lot about how to teach your child appropriate ways to play with the bin.
• Check out the Ultimate Guide to Sensory Bins to get LOTS more ideas about what sensory bins you could buy, what materials to fill them with (everything from flax seed to cloud dough), what tools to use (from water wheels to conveyor belts), and what add-ins to include (jingle bells? magnetic letters? seashells?). This post also talks about the benefits of sensory play for brain development.
• Check out the Ultimate Guide to Water Tables to learn all about great options for enhancing water play. (Many of these ideas also work at bath time or in the swimming pool!)
• Sensory Table Set-Ups shares lots of examples I found online and my observations about general lessons to learn from these ideas.
• Looking for other simple, low cost ideas for what to do with a 1 – 4 year old child? Check out my Cheap Dates with Toddlers series.

Reducing Sensory Bin Mess

When parents or teachers first introduce a child to sensory bin play, they usually make a big mess!

While some mess is inevitable, here are tips for reducing it.

Teach Them How Sensory Play Works

One of my core beliefs is that children want to do well. If they’re not behaving well, it’s usually because they don’t yet have the knowledge or skills they need. So, let’s teach them!

Play alongside

Over time, sensory play becomes a great independent play activity for children, where they can play with little supervision or intervention from adults for quite a while. However, first you have to teach them how to do it, and then gradually fade out your support. So, expect to be right next to them the first several sessions.

Role Model

I mostly just start playing appropriately next to them, and they quickly follow along! I narrate my play, and also narrate theirs. “Look, I’m scooping the beans – oh, you picked up the scoop – see how I use it? I can pour the beans in the bucket. Can you?”

Re-Direct

If they are doing something “wrong”, tell them the right thing to do. “Let’s keep the rice in the bin.” If they’re pouring on the floor, substitute a new target – “can you pour into this bucket?” Try to avoid saying “don’t _____”. If you say “don’t splash”, all they can think about is splashing. If you say “oh, look, when I move my hand slowly, see the ripples in the water?” they will often stop splashing.

Set Limits

Once they’ve learned how to do well in general, they may still have days when they’re having a hard time not making a mess. It’s OK to sometimes say “it looks like now is not the right time for this – let’s put it away / close it up for now, and we’ll try again tomorrow.” To be as fair as possible, I try this method: first when-then: “when you show me you can play well with this, then we can have it out more often.” Then if-then warning – “if you keep dumping things on the floor, then I’ll close the bin.” Then follow through on that consequence if needed.

Setting Up for Success

Fillers

Start with fillers that are easy to clean up. I use pompoms as the first material for my toddler class. Or paper crumpled into balls. Later, I might use pinto beans – they’re easy to sweep up. Other things are harder to clean up. For example, kinetic sand needs to be vacuumed up and can get ground into carpet, so it’s not the thing to start with.

When you start, put a small amount of sensory items in a small bin inside the large bin. If they spill outside the small bin, the large bin catches it!

Don’t use too much filler at first. Don’t feel like you have to have a 3 inch thick layer of sensory material. Start with a thin layer – they can always pile it all up in one corner if they want a deeper pile.

Remember that they will mix together any item that’s within easy reach of the bin. So, if there’s something you don’t want to be mixed in, move it elsewhere. (For example, we don’t recommend putting a bin of rice right next to the playdough table or water table.)

What Surface to Put the Table On

If possible, put sensory tables on linoleum or hardwood floors – it’s way easier to clean up than carpet!

Many parents and teachers do sensory tables outdoors where they are less concerned about mess.

Many people recommend putting a mat under the table – like this mat where the edges can fold up to make a wall, or things like playpens and crafty pods and pop-up ball pits that help to contain the mess in one area where it doesn’t get tracked around. Some use fitted sheets – like in the image below (source) or shown here. Wrap the corners of the fitted sheet around some objects to create a little nest. Or use a table cloth or shower curtain liner. Sometimes you can salvage sensory material from any of these surfaces by lifting them up so the filler all slides to one corner and then scooping it from there.

One site recommended a “builders’ tray” that looks amazing, but the link is broken and I can’t find it anywhere… Amazon has a 20×20 play tray, or you could use an oil drip pan, maybe.

Allowing for Transport

Kids LOVE to transport things. So, they often want to carry things from one place to another. Sometimes just having containers inside the bin, like having two buckets in the bin where they can move things from the bin to one bucket to the next is enough. Or setting up a cardboard box apparatus where there’s a higher spot in the sensory bin and a ramp for pouring things so they slide to the lower level, like these examples from Frugal Fun:

Or having a table right next to the sensory bin with containers on it they can move things into can work. But some kids like to have a separate bucket somewhere else they can carry things to – you can decide if that’s viable for you.

If they like the sound the beans make when they hit the floor, try putting a metal pie tin or hard plastic container upside down inside the sensory bin that they can pour onto to get the sound.

Helping with Clean Up

Ask your child to help with clean-up. You may choose to get them a mini broom and dustpan or a dust buster vacuum. (For some kids having to do clean-up is a disincentive – they don’t want to make a mess they’ll have to clean up later. Some kids like cleaning up the mess so much that they’ll make more of a mess!)

Remember, sensory play is a learning process, so they will accidentally (or intentionally) spill from time to time and there will be messes. Try to take a deep breath when it happens. If you’re having a day where you feel like the mess would be too stressful, it’s fine to close the sensory bin for the day and offer other activities.

Learn more

Check out my Ultimate Guide to Sensory Tables and my Ultimate Guide to Water Tables. You might also enjoy this post on Building a Child’s 8 Senses.

Building a Child’s 8 Senses

Part of supporting our child’s brain development is helping them experience the world with all their senses (all 8!). As they use their senses, talking about what they are experiencing helps to reinforce the learning. Here are ideas for strengthening each sense.

Vision

One of the best things you can do for your child’s vision is to take them outside. Inside, you may only look at things that are a few feet away. Outdoors, we can look close at an ant, then at a tree, a cloud, then back down to a flower. If you stand in front of a baby as you push them on a swing, they gaze at you as you get further away, then come closer and closer. These shifts in focus build their eye muscles and reduce the chance they’ll need glasses later in life. (Genetics also plays a part.) Different types of light – rosy skies at dawn, bright light of mid-day, twilight and looking at stars at night also help with eye and vision development.

Help your child learn to track motion. For a baby, hold a toy in front of them. As they look at the toy, move it to the left then the right, then up, then down so they follow it to the edge of their peripheral vision. For older children, rolling or throwing balls helps them track motion.

Hearing

Give them lots of different things to listen to. Take music classes or get musical instruments or discover instruments around you (drum on a pot with a spoon, tap on a glass with a fork, shake a box of mac and cheese.) Sing a lot! Read to them. When they notice any sounds in the environment, talk about them – “I heard that too. That was a firetruck.” (Responsive language – noticing what your child is paying attention to and talking about it – is the best way to build your child’s language skills.)
Watch for background noise. If your TV is constantly on or there is always background music playing, it can be hard for a child to focus on and learn from any one sound.

Taste

Breastmilk (human milk) changes flavor based on what the lactating parent eats, so exposes even young babies to a variety of tastes. As food is introduced, expose your child to a wide variety of tastes. There are five flavors: sweet, salty, sour, bitter and umami, and there is the sensation of spicy hot. Children tend to greatly prefer sweet and usually aren’t fans of sour and bitter. But encourage them to sample a wide variety of flavors, and give them the words to describe those flavors and what they like about them and don’t like. (Learn about picky eaters.)

Smell

Let them experience a variety of smells. Go for walks in the woods, go to a flower garden or an herb garden. Have them in the kitchen as you cook (let them smell the spices and herbs when you open the containers) and when you gather to eat, talk about how the food smells. “When I peel the orange, you can smell it, can’t you?” Try scented playdough, scented markers and stickers. Add scents to the bath water. (More scent activities.)

Note: In our culture, we have lots of artificial scents –soaps, detergents, perfumes, air fresheners and more. Many people have chemical sensitivity and get head-achey or dizzy from all this. Consider unscented cleaning products, choose air fresheners that neutralize or eliminate odors – not just cover them up, use a Hepa filter, open windows for fresh air often.

Touch

Let them experience a wide range of sensations: playing in dirt, sand, grass, mud. Petting animals and touching different fabrics or sandpaper or bubble wrap. You can rub their back, hold their hand, give hugs, tickle, give high-fives. Let them experience being hot or being cold. Explore things hands on and talk about what they are feeling. When you get them dressed, talk about how their socks are tight and stretchy, their shirt is loose and soft. Make sensory bins for them to play in.

Some children are resistant to messy play or touching different textures. You can role model – show them how you touch those things. Give them tools to use with the item – a child who won’t just put their hands in the mud might use a shovel to scoop it or a stick to stir it and then if their hands happen to get muddy, they then play in it. Or show them how it’s OK to be messy when we’re doing messy play and we can always wash our hand when we’re done.

Vestibular system

This helps us to stay balanced, and tells us if we are moving slowly or quickly through space. This helps us stand, walk and sit up without falling over. Carry your baby in lots of positions. As they get older, encourage your child to crawl, walk, climb, run, ride, roll, jump and dance. Swing on a swing, spin on a merry-go-round. Put them on your lap and sing bounce songs. (More about the vestibular system.)

Proprioception

This is how we know where our body parts are located in space without having to look at them. Also helps us figure out how much force to use – whether picking up a fragile glass or banging on a drum. Play blindfolded games, or play games in the dark. Do lots of movement games where they stretch out, or clap, or shake their shaker soft or loud, or wrestle and rough house so they learn how much is fun and what could accidentally hurt someone. Let your child move heavy things, or carry heavy things, and handle soft or fragile things. (Learn more about proprioception – this article is specifically about supporting neurodivergent kids, but all kids benefit from proprioceptive learning.)

Interoception

Senses of our internal bodily systems –being hungry or full, itches, the need to urinate and “butterflies in our stomach” when we’re nervous are not explained by the five senses and instead indicate other ways in which we perceive information.

You can build your child’s interoceptive intelligence with these 5 steps: helping them notice, naming sensations, linking emotion to sensation, understand what happens when we ignore the sensation, and managing the situation. (“You’re wiggling your bottom. That tells me you need to pee. You’re also seeming really anxious – that happens to me when I need to pee. I’m worried that if you don’t go to the potty soon you could wet your pants. Why don’t you take a break and go to the bathroom?”)

Responding to your baby’s cues that they are full or hungry, helping them to burp when they are gassy, changing their diaper when it is wet or dirty, and noticing and talking about these sensations help them learn to listen to and respect their body’s cues. As your child gets older, we continue to talk about these things as this knowledge helps your child be more independent and helps them stay healthy. (Learn more about interoception.)

Sensory Cup

Some children are sensory seeking and can take in all the sensory input they can get. Others are easily overwhelmed. Some children might love touch, vestibular and proprioception activities, but find different tastes or too much noise overwhelming. Be sensitive to your child’s needs. Watch for disengagement cues (glazed eyes, turning away, pushing things away, muscle tension) that tell you their sensory cup is overflowing and they need a break. If you ignore those cues and keep piling on stimulus, you may face a sensory meltdown. (A “tantrum” they can’t control.)

image credits: swing Photo by Avin CP on Unsplash; high chair Photo by Vanessa Loring; dog Photo by bin Ziegler

Emotional Literacy Overview

I’ve written a lot about emotional development. This post is a brief summary of concepts, with links to learn more. We’ll cover: teaching vocabulary, teaching how to recognize emotions, teaching appropriate ways to express emotions (check out my printable posters!), and thinking about how big the emotion is, – if it’s small your child may be able to manage it – for big emotions, they’ll need your support.

Teaching Vocabulary

Children learn language for abstract concepts when we talk about those things as the child is experiencing them. When they are displaying an emotion (or they notice someone else is), we label it and talk about it. Knowing that emotions exist and having words for them is the first step to coping with those emotions. (Learn more about emotional literacy.)

The core basic emotions to start with are: mad, sad, glad, and scared. (And mad is often masking sad or scared feelings.) Babies demonstrate all these by 8 months. In the toddler years, they add in pride, envy, shame, guilt, and empathy. (Learn about emotional development.)

Teach How to Recognize Emotions

The next step is to teach them to recognize their own feelings and other people’s feelings. Teach about:

• body language
• facial expressions
• tone of voice
• actions

Tip: I have posters that include descriptions of these signs.

When your child is experiencing an emotion, tell them the signs you noticed so they notice them too: “I can tell you’re getting mad, because you’re banging that puzzle piece, and your eyebrows look angry.” When someone else is experiencing an emotion, help them identify that: “when you took your friend’s toy, that made him sad – he was crying and went for a snuggle with his daddy.”

You can read books that are aimed at teaching emotional literacy (here are my recommendations for children’s books about big feelings and more ideas on teaching emotional literacy using books). Or in ANY book or show, you can pause to notice feelings… “hmm, how do you think that character is feeling right now? how can you tell? what might help them feel better?”

When doing pretend play or things like puppet shows, role play emotions, including appropriate ways to express them and how to get support for them.

Learn more about helping your child to recognize feelings.

Teaching Appropriate Expression of Emotions

Children are going to have big feelings. They need to have a variety of tools for expressing them. Teach them good options during play time when they’re calm and suggest them when they’re having mild feelings. I have posters you can print and use.

Sometimes emotions can lead children to misbehave. Learn how to use emotion coaching to validate their feelings while still setting limits on behavior. And learn discipline tools for managing misbehavior. One key point I make is “all emotions are OK. Not all behaviors are.”

How Big is the Emotion?

It is helpful for you as the parent to understand different levels of emotion and what they mean for offering emotional support. As your child gets older (3 or older) you’ll start talking with them more about this as well.

There is a big difference between a child who is annoyed and one who is outraged. A big difference between disappointed and heartbroken. The thermometer metaphor can help us visualize this.

A child who is doing fine is cool and collected – green zone. As they start to feel frustrated, disappointed or uncertain, they’re moving into the yellow zone. As the feelings escalate bigger and bigger, they move to orange and red.

When a child is in the green zone, they’re ready to learn anything. This can be a good time to teach them coping skills and how to self-calm and let them practice them.

When a child is just starting to have feelings (yellow zone), they can often calm themselves. Today, I heard a child reassuring himself as he walked down some steep stairs – “hold the railing, it will be OK if I go slow.” I’ve seen kids getting frustrated stop and take a deep breath to calm down. These are self-calming skills they learned from their parents or teachers and they’re able to access them in these moments of mild upset.

When they are getting anxious, angry or hurt, (orange zone) they may be able to calm down if you coach them on using tools that you have been practicing.

When they are outraged, heartbroken or terrified, they are in the red zone. They have flipped their lid and are in their downstairs brain. (To learn more about what that means and how to handle it, check out this post on Meltdowns, learn more about preventing meltdowns and watch the video below on the Anatomy of a Tantrum to learn when to intervene and when to wait.) In the red zone, they can’t calm themselves without help.

Learn more about identifying how big the feelings are, and about the “zones of regulation” – a tool for helping a child (age 5 or older) learn how to identify their zone and what they might need to get back to the green zone: calm, cool, and ready to learn.